Macro photography has always been an interest for me, but being primarily a wildlife photographer specializing in birds, all my lenses are long telephotos.  When I did need to utilize a macro setup, I used by nifty 50 with extension tubes.

 Recently, however, I felt like a needed something which out of the box could shoot at a 1:1 (life size) without the use of extension tubes getting the way all the time.  It was time for me to add a real macro lens to my line up. This led me to the Canon EF 100mm f2.8 USM lens.

 Build Quality
Manufacturing on the 100mm, began in 2000 and it is still being manufactured today.  It has a solid feel with a rubberized focusing ring.  In many ways it is like any other prime lens manufactured with the USM branding.  It is decorated with a USM gold logo and a golden "pin stripe" around the end of the lens.  The optics, manufactured in 8 groups and 12 elements, are solidly affixed to the housing.  The font element neatly recessed to keep contrast up and scratching of the element unlikely.  A lens hood (ET-67) is available to purchase separately. Third party ET-67s are also available.
Canon EF 100mm f2.8 USM

One of the features I really like about this lens is the 58mm filter diameter.  This means you can shoot with less expensive filters and not be stuck with the much larger 77mm filter we so often see.

 Shooting
This lens is highly versatile with f-stops available from f2.8 to f32, although I found f2.8 to be a bit soft when compared to f5.6.  This might be a turn off for those looking for a good 2.8 lens.  Macro lenses are designed to be used for manual focus situations where you could potentially be shooting a 2:1 image size.  Because of that this lens has a large, smooth focusing ring, which I found to be very effective.  I felt like the dampening could have been a bit smoother, but that would really be splitting hairs.

 In one of my tests, I photographed a Canada goose feather at 1:33:1 magnification. During this test, I had to zoom in with live view for critical focusing.  Again, the dampening and smoothness could have been slightly better here.  
Canda Goose Feather - 1.33:1 Image Size (used extension tube)

Sharpness
This lens is incredibly sharp and don't just take my word for it.  The internet is littered with praise over the optical quality of this lens.  I don't know if I would buy this if I was only going to be using it at the f2.8 aperture, but if your goal is macro work in the f4 to f22 range, you will be very happy indeed.  Below is an enlarged crop at close to 100 percent showing sharpness and resolution with standard sharpening.
Cropped Image Showing Sharpness
Practical Uses
Without a doubt this lens is made for macro, and as such would be a prime candidate for close up product, insect and flower photography.  However, I also think this lens could be highly useful as a landscape lens to pull out details in distant landscapes and used to frame tighter in intimate landscapes.

 It should also come as no surprise that this lens has been favored by human portrait photographers. Because it is in the short telephoto range, it flattens the image slightly giving the person a more flattering appearance.  The sharpness of the lens can pull out crisp details in the eyes and shooting at 2.8 could give the model a softer look which often is desirable in portraiture. 

 Conclusion
In conclusion, I recommend this lens with little to no reservations.  I feel like you are getting some amazing glass for $599 MSRP.  On the used market you can find them as low as $300.   

 Quick Points to Consider
  • Amazingly Sharp
  • Versatile f2.8 to f32
  • Good Build Quality
  • Small Diameter Filter (58mm)
  • True 1:1 Macro

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I need your help to keep producing content! Consider becoming a patron to my work. Funds received from your help, will go toward keeping the infrastructure in place to keep providing free content. As you know, web site hosting, microphones and recording gear are very costly. To find out more about being a patron and how this can benefit you, head out to my Patreon site : https://www.patreon.com/mattcuda 
Individual training, and honest and useful portfolio critiques available. Email me at matt.cuda@mattcuda.com




 My Website: http://www.mattcuda.com

 Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/mattcuda

 Stock Images: https://www.artvisions.com/cuda/

 Newsletter
http://www.mattcuda.com/Home/Newsletter

 To purchase any of my prints please use the following link:
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 You may also contact me directly to purchase prints: matt.cuda@mattcuda.com



FORSYTH COUNTY, NC - For many people, a trip to an exotic location to photograph animals is just not economically feasible. For those in this category, I can greatly sympathize with you. But do not dismay, there are some very nice zoos and rehab centers throughout the United States to help you in your quest to photograph exotic animals.

What Zoo is Best
There are approximately 500 zoos in the United States, but be careful. Not all these zoos are created equal. It is important to check these zoos out on the internet before you step foot in one of them. I like zoos which are good to their animals by offering them good medical care, food and plenty of places to roam. In North Carolina, the best zoo would be the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro, NC. If you are looking for a zoo for comparison purposes, this as a gold standard.

Next, make sure the zoo is photographer friendly. Some zoos, like the Atlanta Zoo have stipulations about not using photographs made of "their" animals for commercial purposes. I refuse to give these zoos my money.

Camera Gear
Zoos can offer a unique challenge to the photographer from an equipment perspective. Some zoos, for example, do not allow the use of tripods and so you can only use mono-pods. This is not a deal breaker, but could make some shots nearly impossible. Below is the gear I recommend and how to use each piece. There are links scattered throughout to show examples.
  • DSLR or comparable mirrorless camera - The important consideration here is that the camera has interchangeable lenses and has a megapixel count over 10mp. If you only have a 300mm lens, I recommend the APS-C sensor size. An example is the Canon EOS 7D Mark II or on the mirrorless side the Sony A6500.
  • Medium Telephoto Lens (200 - 300mm range) - it is crucial to at least have this much glass in order to frame the subject in creative ways. In some cases you will be able to fill the frame, but with subjects greater than 20 feet away, you will need to step up. The Tamron 70-300 SP VC is a good, inexpensive lens in this category.
  • Super Telephoto Lens (400 - 800mm) - For zoos and just about any wildlife, I like versatile glass and for me that is the Sigma 150-600 C or Sports version. This covers just about every scenario during a zoo visit. I can shoot shots of small songbirds in the aviary all the way up to tight portraits of a black bear.
  • Macro Lens (100mm to 180mm) - although not a must, having a macro lens will allow you to capture shots of small frogs and reptiles. Furthermore, you can get close shots of the flowers which often decorate the entrances and pathways to the zoo exhibits.
  • Sturdy Tripod - When you find yourself inside a building trying to shoot through terrarium glass, having a tripod is a must. Even with modern image stabilization, there are times you simply cannot get a good, stable shot without one. It really depends on the zoo and how much of the exhibits are indoors. I recommend Manfrotto as a good, inexpensive tripod.
  • Black Rapid Strap or Similar - carrying a 600mm lens through miles of zoo can be tough on the old shoulders and back. This strap will make it much easier to shift the burden a bit from your shoulders. It also allows the photographer to easily put the camera up to his eye because the camera slides along the strap.
  • Comfortable Pack - find a pack that does not cause your shoulders to hurt too quickly after putting it on. You should be able to walk a good hour without having pain. Check out the Moose Peterson MP-3!
  • Good SD, CF Cards - buy good CF cards! I use SanDisk Extreme 32 Gig cards. They are fast enough for video and are very reliable.
Shot List
Below is a list of shots I have taken or shots I look for on a typical zoo visit. Hopefully they will help you pick shots that you want to take next time.

The Close Portrait - the zoo is the perfect place to get close shots with some real feeling and energy. Some of these shots just do not happen often in the field. Below is a shot of a black bear. In this shot, you feel like you can actually see into his soul. This is the shot that presents itself the most.



Environmental Shot - this can only happen at large zoos where the animals have plenty of place to roam. Look for places where there are no bars or fences in the background. Below is a shot of a Rocky Mountain elk bugling. Honestly, I wouldn't know this was in a zoo, if I hadn't taken it. It has an ear tag, but they do this in wild at times as well.



Animals Interacting - this one is tough, but not impossible at the zoo. Look for animals which are social and interact in large groups. A typical animal with this behavior is the baboon. Below, a mother baboon is keeping a young one in check.



Animals in Action or Showing Gesture - in this scenario, we have a single animal that is doing something unusual. Perhaps it is an elephant running or in the case below, a king eider showing off for the female eiders.




In conclusion, I think you will agree that the zoo can be a great place to enjoy animals, test your gear and learn how to make better images without spending 4,000 dollars on a trip. The beauty is that after all this practice in zoos and rehab centers, you will be ready when you do go on one of those once in a life time trips!


Now get out there and enjoy nature (even at a zoo) !

God Bless,

Matt Cuda


Announcements:
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I need your help to keep producing content! Consider becoming a patron to my work. Funds received from your help, will go toward keeping the infrastructure in place to keep providing free content. As you know, web site hosting, microphones and recording gear are very costly. To find out more about being a patron and how this can benefit you, head out to my Patreon site : https://www.patreon.com/mattcuda
Individual training, and honest and useful portfolio critiques available. Email me at matt.cuda@mattcuda.com

______________________________________________________________________

My Website: http://www.mattcuda.com

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/mattcuda

Stock Images: https://www.artvisions.com/cuda/

Newsletter
http://www.mattcuda.com/Home/Newsletter

To purchase any of my prints please use the following link:
https://www.artvisions.com/cuda/

You may also contact me directly to purchase prints: matt.cuda@mattcuda.com
As many of you are aware, it is extremely easy to damage a long lens by bumping it while walking or just from banging around in your back pack. I think it only took about a month before I saw my first scratch on my Sigma 150-600 C lens.

I have been at locations where I was forced to shoot through a cut open fence. I have rested my lens on car windows and had them roll down steps, but what options are out there to protect your lens?

There are two main companies out there that are producing neoprene covers for your lens. The first, is LensCoat. LensCoat is a great company, and I actually own their blind. But, I felt like, perhaps the LensCoat was a bit pricey at 100 bucks for a 1,000 dollar lens. That led me on a search on Amazon to find a more inexpensive alternative. After searching for a bit, I came across a neoprene cover made by Mekingstudio. Yes, it is Chinese made, but honestly, for something like this I wasn't convinced that I needed a quality piece of "foam."

Click to view a larger image of the Mekingstudio Lens Cover


 The order arrived at my workplace without issue.  Each of the pieces were numbered and are placed on the lens from the lens hood back.  The pieces went on pretty easy once I got the numbers in the right order.  It might take you a bit to figure it all out, but it's not a monumental task or anything.  

 I have been using this product on my lens for about 6 months now and it works absolutely fine.  Now, I can rest my lens on a fence or car and not feel like I am scratching the lens.  The padding it provides is minimal, but it is enough to help cushion small blows and keep the lens from sliding around too much when using a bean bag support.  The only real complaint I have is it is hard to find the manual focus ring.  It was hard enough without the cover, but now it is much worse.  I suspect this would be the same no matter what cover I bought.  Perhaps they could add something to the outside of the ring to help find it.  Or, maybe you could even put a piece of Velcro there.

 The other problem I found with the cover, is the plastic covering over the lens switches. Because it is so tight to the lens, it makes it a little bit more challenging to switch on image stabilization, for example.  Some may find this useful and not a con. It does protect the switches from water which is also nice.

 In conclusion, It is my opinion, that you can't really go wrong with this product.  For only 39 dollars US it is a steal.  Click on the link above and order one today!  

 PROS
  • Offers nice rubberized protection (neoprene)
  • Has not slid or fallen off
  • Offers a more comfortable grip when hand holding
  • Lens doesn't slide when using a bean bag support
  • Offers some water protection
CONS
  • Hard to find the manual focus ring (can't blame them totally for this)
  • Camo pattern is not a name brand like RealTree.  If they did that it would cost more, however. 
  • Plastic cover over the switches makes flipping the switches a bit more difficult
I recommend this product. Click here to order yours today!


FORSYTH COUNTY, NC -  This is a topic which has the potential to make some of you angry and others take action.  It is a topic that gets to the very core of why we do what we do as nature photographers.  Simply put, "are you putting your best foot forward?"  Are you, as a photographer, showing the world your best work or are you so excited that you got a shot, and posting it as quickly as possible on social media?

I think to answer this question, you have to ask yourself what motivates you.  Here are some possible motivations I have identified:

1.  You want to show others where you have been, and what I have been doing.
2.  You want to attract buyers to buy your photographs.
3.  You want to impress your peers with your stunning photography.
4.  You want a private documentary gallery of images so you can document your travels.

If you answered anything other than #4, you might want to pay particular attention to what I am going to tell you in this article. 

As a more seasoned photographer, I have seen thousands upon thousands of photographs over the years.  I have seen beautiful images by some of the best photographers, and I have seen poor images generated from the very beginner.  I myself have made many many bad images right along side the good ones, but you will never see the failures posted on social media or sent to a potential client.  These images, except for the few I keep for demonstration purposes, are sent to the trash.

I do not care if I got a great action shot of an anhinga spearing a fish or a bald eagle fighting in mid air.  If it doesn't meet my standard guidelines for quality it goes into the trash.  So here are my standard guidelines for culling my images.

1.  Is the photograph sharp (essential)?   
2.  Is the photograph properly exposed (essential)?
3.  Is the lighting in the photograph better than acceptable (mostly essential)?
4.  Does the photograph tell a story or does it have gesture (mostly essential)?
5.  Is this my best work, given the situation?

If I can answer yes to all five of the preceding questions then the photograph is not only a keeper, but is marketable or worthy of posting online.  Now I want to address each of these five questions.

Is the Photograph Sharp?
Sharpness is not subjective.  It can be defined and it is repeatable and is absolutely a must  A sharp photograph is the culmination of focusing the lens and also making sure the shutter speed is set high enough to avoid camera shake (blur).  You should be able to zoom into 100% on your editing software and see a sharp, detailed image.  The only exception to this is when you are using creative blur (advanced technique).

The above image is not sharp at 100% magnification.  It will be rejected by photo editors and stock agencies.


The above image is sharp at 100%.  It has been accepted by publishers and agencies.


Is the Photograph Properly Exposed?
This is mostly subjective, but also takes some work to determine if your image is properly exposed.  In short, the whites should be white, the blacks should be black and the highlights should not be blown out.  You should be able to see detail in both the highlights and the shadows.  Obviously, this is a much larger discussion than a simply blog post can provide, but make sure you have the exposure right!


The above image is underexposed by a full stop. Notice the muddy and lifeless appearance.

Is the Lighting in the Photograph better than Acceptable?
Taking photographs of nature when the sun is directly overhead does not normally flatter a subject.  On animals it produces harsh shadows, making the eyes black holes. It basically increases the contrast to the point that it is hard to see details in the highlights and shadows.  A general rule in wildlife photography is to have the sun at your back.  Another way to look at this, is to point your shadow at the subject.  To do this, shoot between sunrise and plus three hours.  In the afternoon, shoot three hours before sunset to sunset.  This will give you that golden look with flattering highlights in the eyes of animals.   Not only wildlife, but landscapes also take on this beautiful golden glow.


The photo above has beautiful morning light being applied from right over my shoulder.

Does the Photograph Tell a Story or Have Gesture?
There are many times that I take a photograph which has neither gesture nor storytelling attributes and it is true that these kinds of images can sell and gather likes online.  However, I am always looking for images that tell a story or have peak action.  This can mean the difference between a boring portrait and an engaging and exciting photograph.  You don't have to start here, but strive to make this happen.  Strive to find the engaging shot.  Perhaps it is a coyote pouncing on a mouse or a bird fighting with another bird.  Maybe it's look deep into the eyes of a massive black bear that stops us in our tracks.

The above photo has action and gesture.  The bird is running from a crashing wave which helps draw the user into the photograph and tell a story about this birds life.

Is this my Best Work Given the Situation?
This is a question we must all ask ourselves.  If the answer is no, it doesn't necessarily mean the image is no good.  It might just mean that you have to try harder next time.  Look for better angles such as going low or going higher.  Maybe you needed a longer lens to compress and blur the background. Maybe you need to gather inspiration from other photographers. Check out other photographers books, magazines and videos.  This can all help inspire you to making better images.

In conclusion, I ask you to work hard, and get the best images you can. Do not be afraid to throw your image away.  In a few months you will forget about it.  Strive only for the best images and post those.  I promise it will be much more rewarding both from a personal perspective and if you would like, from a business perspective.


I hope you enjoyed this months newsletter.  There is much on the horizon at Matt Cuda Nature Photography.  To be specific, the time has come for the continuation of the Hummingbird Project and the Bluebird projects.  These two projects generally keep me busy from May through June, so expect to see some of those images in next months article.

Now get out there and enjoy nature!

God Bless,

Matt Cuda
Announcements:
  • Check out the latest podcast episodes 
  • I need your help to keep producing content!  Consider becoming a patron to my work.  Funds received from your help, will go toward keeping the infrastructure in place to keep providing free content.  As you know, web site hosting, microphones and recording gear are very costly.  To find out more about being a patron and how this can benefit you, head out to my Patreon site : https://www.patreon.com/mattcuda 
  • Individual training, and honest and useful portfolio critiques available.  Email me at matt.cuda@mattcuda.com
______________________________________________________________________

My Website: http://www.mattcuda.com

Patreon:  https://www.patreon.com/mattcuda

Stock Images: https://www.artvisions.com/cuda/

For anyone not subscribed tho this newsletter because it is forwarded to you by others, you may sign up at the this link: 
http://www.mattcuda.com/Home/Newsletter

To purchase any of my prints please use the following link:
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You may also contact me directly to purchase prints:  matt.cuda@mattcuda.com
Photography, in general, takes a lot of planning.  Sometimes it is planning that big trip to Yellowstone and sometimes it is just planning to photograph some of the local flora and fauna in your own backyard.  Whatever you choose to photograph,  I think we can all agree that we need a plan to be successful.

 About two months ago, I started preparing and planning for a particular shot to be added to my "Bluebird Project."  I invested both time and equipment to try to get everything figured out beforehand.  In particular, I was using a new IR triggering system to capture songbirds in flight.  I had practiced on several occasions and I got fair enough results to apply them to actual project. I determined to use my newly acquired experience to capture flight shots of the bluebird as they traveled to and from their nest box.

 I carefully monitored and waited for the bluebird eggs to hatch, as they always do.  One day, while performing a normal check, I found that the nest had been raided.  The eggs had been removed, thrown to the ground and mostly eaten.  I determined it was not the normal suspects such as the raccoon or opossum since the nest was still fully intact, and the pole I use would not support the weight.  At one point, I even blamed the neighborhood black snake.  I believe, after quite a bit of examination, it was most likely done by a competing bird species.

 The whole situation was completely out of my control, but none the less, my plans were ruined.  There would be no flight shots.  It was is at this point, that we all have a choice.  We can "throw ourselves" and have a pity party.  This might involve moping around, questioning why it happened , and what could have been done differently.  I could beat myself up for weeks with the question "why?", but the results would have been the same.  I would not have photographed any birds and not changed the situation at all.

 Instead, mostly based on experience, I picked myself up and immediately started the next wave of plans. I knew that I could not get the flight shot I wanted, but I could improve the situation by starting back to feeding the birds.  Generally I stop feeding birds once nesting starts as it upsets the bluebirds and could interfere with nesting.
Forsyth County, NC - Taken soon after the nest failure.  Move on to the next plan!

 So, I began feeding the birds and also setup my hummingbird feeder for the next project.  This will start the creative energy and anticipation flowing again.  There will be another time for the flight shots, but that can't stop you from shooting and planning. Sure, it is a big disappointment when plans don't come together and sometimes it can be really tough when several big plans fail in sequence.  The latter, of course, being the reason many people quit.

 The bottom line is that I many never convince you with mere words to hang in there and never quit. In the end, it is a matter of personal ambition that drives you to the next level.  I see it in myself and others all the time.  It is what sets all of us apart from the average quitter.  Don't fall into the trap of expecting all of your plans to succeed, because they never will.  Instead, focus on making the next plan successful.

 Your photographic career will be filled with other quitters.  They are the people who don't get what you are doing and try everything to make you unsuccessful.  They could be your girlfriend, wife or even someone you thought was your best friend.  You cannot listen to them, because they will drag you down and keep you from completing your plans.  This goes for any area of your life.  Quitters always hang out with other quitters!  Don't let yourself be sucked into that world.

 I will leave you with these steps to becoming successful in life as they were told to me many years ago by a wise man...
  • Never make a major decision in the midst of a personal crisis.
  • Never seclude yourself from friends/family when going through a storm.
  • Never listen to your fears. Dread distorts your view of reality.
  • Never give in to self-pity.
  • Don’t dwell on “if only” and “what could have been."
  • Don’t overlook the good things that happen to you everyday.
  • Don’t become absorbed with yourself (focus on the needs of others).
  • Don’t quit living while going through your storm.
  • Never forget that God Almighty is sovereign.

To find out more about Matt Cuda Nature Photography, navigate to the following resources...












FORSYTH COUNTY, NC -  Spring is finally moving into a higher gear, and I see more signs of activity in the animal world.  Up until now, songbirds have been reluctant to build their nests due to the bitter cold temperatures and windy conditions.  It really, in many ways, has been a harsh and unforgiving winter in North Carolina, but there was still much to look forward to this Spring.

As part of my early spring activities, I often can be found photographing raptors at the Carolina Raptor Center for their event called PhotoWild.  PhotoWild, is a special time set aside for wildlife photographers to have an opportunity to photograph raptors in a controlled environment.  This equates to getting images that really are not generally possible in the wild.  At least there is not a practical way to get these images.  Furthermore, it is an opportunity to photograph species from other parts of the world.  Finally, it is a great time to meet other photographers, talk a little shop and check out what gear and techniques they are using.

In this article, I thought I would layout how I approach photographing an event such as PhotoWild and share some of the images as examples.

Looking for the Full Length Portrait
The full length portrait is an image, which is composed to show the entire bird.  It might also have other compositional elements added to make the shot more interesting.  Below is a shot of a barred owl where I not only utilize a full length portrait, but use the foliage to provide a more interesting framing element.  Note the tree to the left of the owl, providing a framing element, and the leaves wrapping around him in the foreground also support framing.


Looking for the Close-up Portrait
Next, I begin looking for close-up portrait to give the viewer a more detailed and often times unseen image of the raptor.  With close-up images, sharpness and higher megapixel images can really make them pop.  Below is an image of a male American bald eagle.


Looking for the Extreme Close-up
Again, for this type of shot, think detail.  Think about making images you simply cannot make very easily in the wild.  Look for feather detail and talon detail.  Below is an image showing the detail in the golden eagle's feathers.


Looking for Gesture
Gesture is what makes images unique.  It can be anything from an unusual look from your subject, to yawning, eating and anything else that evokes emotion.  This is really what I want every time I go out to photograph a subject.  Whether it is in captivity or the wild, this is a must for any photographer to be able to capture.  Below is an example of gesture.  This turkey vulture is opening his mouth very wide and is something I have never witnessed from a vulture in the past.  A perfect opportunity, and one to never waste.  Patience is key here.  When everyone else is leaving, you stay and work the subject.  Good things often happen to those who wait.



I hope you enjoyed this months blog.  There is much on the horizon at Matt Cuda Nature Photography.  To be specific, the time has come for the continuation of the Hummingbird Project and the Bluebird projects.  These two projects generally keep me busy from May through June.

God Bless,

Matt Cuda
This is  not going to be a nature blog entry so to speak, but going to the doctor can be a freak of nature. In this blog entry, I am going to outline why I hate going to the doctor.

Waiting and Waiting
I have to admit, that I find this less of a problem than it used to be, but it is still an issue.  Upon entering the doctor's office it becomes immediately clear that you are not in Kansas anymore.  The smell of disinfectant, the look of despair on the faces of the people in the waiting room tells the story of what is to come.

So I sit down on the less than comfortable chairs (as much as we pay they should have theater recliners).  I occasionally look around the room at the poor other souls waiting for their turn.  I wonder if they are thinking the same thing I am.  What seems like years later, I hear the ominous sound "Matthew."  No one calls me Matthew except for nurses, and maybe my Mom from time to time.  So, I rise to my feet and put on the fake smile which really means, "Oh crap, here we go!"

The Scales
The nurse leads me to a scales and asks me to step up onto it.  At 44 years old, the battle of the bulge is constantly an issue and the last thing I need, is to be weighed like a steer being led to auction.  Of course it is 4 lbs heavier than it is at home.  Of course I dismiss this as being caused by the extra clothing I  am wearing.  At least that excuse provides some comfort in this terrible time of need.

The Torture Chamber (AKA The Examination Room)
The nurse, trying to be somewhat chipper, but obviously tired of trying, opens the door to the examination room.  I grab a seat.  The room is almost always either much too hot or much too cold.  This is the room where middle aged men fear to tread.  It is room where all manner of tests are done, and where additional tests are ordered.  It is a room which has a cloud of anxiety hanging over it. Any number of things can go wrong here, but the following is a list of things that happen to me...

  • Inevitably my blood pressure will be up significantly while being in this room, which then makes the doctor think I need more blood pressure meds.
  • Personal questions are asked here such as:  are you sexually active?  Do you smoke?  Do you drink?  Have you had an STD?
  • Prostate exams happen here and you never know when will be the day.  I don't think I need to explain why these give me a bad day!
  • Throat cultures happen in this room!  Also known as the gag stick!
  • I am forced to take off my clothing and put on a gown.  No one knows how much clothing to take off, but one thing is for certain, people will get a view through the crack in the back.  Trust me, this is not a great view.
  • The doctor is sure to complain about high cholesterol, BP and my weight.  This, of course, brings my self concept down to rock bottom.  It will take at least 50 compliments to get me back to where I was over the course of the next six months. And then the cycle will start again on the next visit.
  • The last time I was in this room, I ended up apologizing for having two different socks on.  Oh the embarrassment. ugh.
  • No matter what I say to the doctor he gives me a look like I have no idea what I am talking about.
  • I always end up with nurse ratchet even though I see about three pretty nurses on the way in.
  • Oh did I mention I am nervous the entire time.  I am either convinced he is going to find something terrible or worried he will schedule me for some endoscopy in some bodily orifice. Again, being middle aged any number of procedures are available at the doctor's whim.
  • Now that I am middle aged, every visit to this room involves the ordering of a blood test (more on that later).
  • The testicular exam.  My doctor is a female, so she has to call a male nurse in to watch her go through the procedure.  So I have a 45 year old woman and a gay man looking at my junk.  Things could not get any worse than this!  I try not to think about what they are thinking.  I know that I am thinking, "God, please get me out of here!"


The Vampire
After leaving the torture chamber I am ALWAYS ushered to the "the lab", where I again sit and wait for some poor sap in front of me to get his work done.  A few minutes later, I am called into another room and asked to sit down.

 Upon sitting down in the chair, I look forward and there is a sign which say "relax, it is only a blood draw."  Now, for the average person this might be "only a blood draw", but for me, the man who apparently has no veins, this is a nightmare.

Once, I had one of the vampires tap my left arm, right arm, and hand.  And the result was no blood in the tube.  I had blood running out of my arm from them ripping my skin apart for five minutes, but I guess that blood was tainted. 

Conclusion
Generally, the doctor's office is a thing of cruelty, but I guess I am better off for it.  Sometimes I honestly wonder, but I know they are doing their best (I think).  I guess part of me thinks we should have Star Trek quality medicine at this point, but maybe that is too much to ask for.

Frankly, I would rather work overtime for a month than go to the doctor for a physical.